


Truth or Dare by Trashmouth Tozier

by haysCodebreaker (gryffinewt)



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-21 00:44:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21065963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gryffinewt/pseuds/haysCodebreaker
Summary: Some Richie Tozier standup snippets. No plot just joaks.





	Truth or Dare by Trashmouth Tozier

**Author's Note:**

> This is the standup routine I've been showing my friends that people keep begging me to publish lol. I'd say it's complete as is but that doesn't mean I'm gonna stop working on it. Hopefully if it's not funny it's at least in character. Thanks love you bye.

I had to break up with my girlfriend. She didn't fuck me in the ass hard enough.

I'm 40 years old and I just realized I'm bisexual, yeah. I found out like one minute ago and now I can't shut up about it. So now I get to play the gay card if you don't think I'm funny.

How did I know I was bisexual? Well, I think I got the point when I was sticking the handles of toilet plungers up my ass and was like 'This isn't gonna cut it. I need a real dick.' I know I like women though because now I'm jerking off to my boyfriend's ex wife's facebook pictures. He doesn't like that.

I had a hard time coming to terms with it because men are fucking disgusting. I didn't want to think about what my apartment would look like with two of us. I had male roommates in college, I know. Graffiti all over the place like 'Richie was here,' 'I fucked your mom.' Reaks of balls. There's a goblin who walks around at night. Walls oozing jizz like it's a horror movie porno, where did that come from?

But the good news is my boyfriend is more anal than any woman I've ever been with. In more ways than one. You know, because of the anal sex. But he's so anal retentive he literally only shits once a week. Wednesdays. He has it set in his phone calendar.

My boyfriend is 100% of my self control. He got me to start eating vegetables. But I'm still a horny teenage boy at heart and I'm like 'ew vegetables, this isn't cock.'

This man, this beautiful man, jogs every morning.

There's no punchline to that, it's just crazy, right? Like why? Disgusting.

My Eds is a little manlet. He's got a little fanny pack, cause he's a tacky queen, and I got my matching fanny pack and I zip him up and carry him around.

At first no one thought I was the bottom cause I'm bigger and grosser. There's a gay psychic in our neighborhood. We went to the gay psychic. The gay psychic reads palms, he tells you your future, and he can tell just from looking at you whether you're a top or a bottom. He was the only one who could tell right off the bat who tops. He also happened to guess what tattoos my boyfriend has. That's when I realized he was just looking at his grindr page from 2 feet away and I was like 'babe.' The gay psychic was like 'so how serious are you guys' and I was like babe we gotta go. Delete your grindr.

That was early on in the relationship when we were more private. Now I can't walk down the street without screaming 'I'm a bottom.' Uh, for those of you who don't know faggot speak, the bottom is the bitch. I'm the bitch. It's me.

I'm usually pretty straight passing when it's just me but the second my boyfriend and I are walking side by side I'm like *moaning sounds* fuck me. And he's like *does Eddie impression* 'Stop. Just stop.' 

No, but my baby, he loves me. I'm a romantic, believe it or not. I worship this guy. 'You're the most beautiful man I've ever seen. Come in my mouth.' 

Sorry I'm putting a lot on you guys tonight. You didn't even know Richie Tozier was bi 20 minutes ago and now he's talking about swallowing cum. Horrible. I hate this guy. I liked him better when he was talking about cheating on his girlfriend with facebook pictures. Well, folks, I gotta put my cum somewhere, so fuck you if you don't like it.

Thank you! I knew you'd be on my side. Okay, okay, I'll stop talking about being gay now. Just kidding! I have 40 years to make up for. I'm gonna talk about being queer all night.

Hold on I just got a text from Eddie. *looks at his phone* 'I'm breaking up with you'.... Welp, there goes my act. See ya, guys.

**Author's Note:**

> Critics rave!
> 
> "It was okay." - Pitchfork
> 
> "Not his best." - Rotten Tomatoes
> 
> "I've never heard of this man in my life." - Eddie Kaspbrak


End file.
